Ode to my Mother-Donna Jean Beaubien

A profound sadness
has set over me

Perhaps it is solid evidence
of time passing

Or the thought that
makes it to the forefront
for me
this time
every year
That we are truly alone

Or that happiness is relative
and overated
and - yes -
fleeting

In this turmoil
I think of
Cedar Falls, Iowa
and Bartlett Hall
where
brown paper package
masking taped
arrived
and held a birthday cake

and the one who
celebrates this day
with me
whose voice hangs with my breath
states
I couldn't imagine having
a birthday
without
a cake

So-
in this absence of
intimacy

in the absence of
you giving up
more than
you have
for me

Knowing
Actually-not knowing-
what could make
me happy
or
perhaps-worse-
knowing
and not doing

This void has
opened up

But
reflecting
on unconditional
love greeting
with signs
and clothes laid out
and coffee made
for me
and words of
I had to do what I could do

There is a yes in that

In my stumbling
a surprise
is there
to utter

People who aren't generous
must be very fearful

and there it is

Still
no cake
no melting candles
no icing
no wish making

there is emptiness there

Emptiness in the
tell tell
signs
of distance making.